


from a lover's eyes

by annhamilton



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam-Centric, Dream Sharing, Dreams, M/M, Overthinking, hand kissing, this is pynch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25270843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annhamilton/pseuds/annhamilton
Summary: What does Ronan see when he looks at Adam? Adam felt Ronan’s eyes on him again and he wondered, not for the first time, what he saw when he looked at him. He knew how most people saw him, trailer trash, scholarship student, straight a’s, hard worker; keeps his head down.Or: Adam overthinks his feelings about Ronan and figures out some stuff.
Relationships: Richard Gansey III & Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 6
Kudos: 112





	from a lover's eyes

**Author's Note:**

> *ignores WIPS*
> 
> hello, welcome to this fic. enjoy.

What does Ronan see when he looks at Adam? Adam felt Ronan’s eyes on him again and he wondered, not for the first time, what he saw when he looked at him. He knew how most people saw him,  _ trailer trash, scholarship student, straight a’s, hard worker; keeps his head down.  _

He tries to make himself fit into what the world needs him to be, his father always wanted him to take up as little place as possible, his teachers wanted him to work hard and his employers wanted him to show up to work. 

His friends though, he was lost when it came to how they see him. He thought he knew but as their world tilted on its axis and he gave up his hands and eyes to a magic forest he had no idea how they saw him. As he lost hearing in one ear, as he moved in St. Agnes, as he clung to independence. 

The Latin teacher moved on to the next declension. Adam scratched out more notes and Ronan did not. Out of the corner of his eye, Adam watched Ronan. Cabeswater rustled inside him, leaves, and vines crawling up his body. Sometimes it feels so real he has to look down and make sure a forest hasn’t taken over his skin. 

Ronan is watching him. And this time, Adam watched him back, it felt like a game of chicken and Adam was not going to look away. Once Adam set his mind on something, it would take a lot for him to drop it. 

Ronan turned away and Adam turned back to his notes. They weren’t going to talk about it. They never do. They just don’t do anything but look. Adam suddenly wants to do something about it but he also made his mind up about Ronan being the one to ask. 

Ronan and he were both men (boys really) of action but Ronan’s was uncontrolled when the emotions got too much and he just had to act. Everything Adam does is calculated, even when he does nothing, he has responsibilities, a schedule, a budget. He has a carefully constructed persona and life that he delicately holds onto each day. 

What does Ronan see when he looked at Adam? Does he see work or school? Does he see Gansey’s latest project, does he see Adam on the ground in front of a double-wide, hunched and holding a hand to his ear, his life in shreds around him?

Does he see him as something other, some people like things that are different from others, especially when the person is different themselves? And, who but Adam Parrish, poor and hard-working and constantly striving upwards, is more different than the flock of raven boys. 

*

Adam couldn’t fall asleep, he twisted over the intensity of Ronan’s stares, the frequency of them, that fact that it’s not a glare, it’s how Gansey and Blue look at each other when they think no one is looking. 

He skirts around the fact that every time he catches Ronan staring it lights a fire in him, not a soaring bonfire like Kavinsky’s cars, but more like a steady flame in the reading room of 300 Fox Way.

Ronan is on his mind when he falls asleep and going by where he ends up, he was on Ronan’s mind too. 

Cabeswater connects them, Dreamer and Magician. It pulls Adam from his own dreams into Ronan’s magical ones. 

Ronan is kissing someone, in the dream. A boy. They are tangled up on the forest floor and it takes Adam a second to realize the boy is  _ him. _

His face is still his face, his body is still his body but it’s shaped of dream stuff, like the trees around them, the tree he hides behind, the trees of Cabeswater, something magical in each cell, it gives him a faint glow. 

It’s not that shocking that Ronan is having a wet dream about him. Or it’s not until Ronan lifts one of Adam’s hands, rough and calloused just like in real life, and pressed his lips to the inside of his wrist and then mouthed his way up the palm of his hand and turned his hand over and kissed his knuckles, each one with such reverence it made Adam want to curl up and die and replace dream-him with real-him. 

Dream-Adam watched Ronan kissed his hand, back against the tree and Ronan in his lap. Ronan closed his eyes, Dream-Adam’s hand pressed against his lips 

Everything around him seemed slow and languid, the two boys tenderly kissing, the forest breathing, all of it was slow. 

Adam wished he was Dream-Adam and Cabeswater listened and suddenly, like a sleight-of-hand trick Adam was under Ronan, one hand against Ronan’s mouth and the other on the small of his back. 

Ronan didn’t notice and leaned forward, an off-center kiss on his lips, and then one on his jaw and another on the base of his neck. “Come on,” Ronan said against his skin. He stood up and hauled Adam up too. 

“Where are we going?” Adam asked, fearing for a second that Dream Adam doesn’t speak or something like that but Ronan simply shrugged. 

“Don’t like the trees watching know that I know they talk shit about everything in tree language,” Ronan kept holding his hand as they walked aimlessly through a dream forest. 

He tested his hypothesis. “Wonder who they get it from?”

Ronan’s face turned away from him. “Cabeswater really isn’t mine.” 

“But you helped shape it.” 

“You’re a genius, Parrish, even in my head,” Ronan turned to face him and twirled his finger in a piece of Adam’s hair. 

“It’s not that hard when you layout clues like that,” Adam said. “How do you know your dreaming?” he was full of questions tonight. 

“I just do.” 

Adam thought it over. 

“Stop,” Ronan kissed him, this time square on the lips. “Overthinking.”

“You like it,” Adam said without thinking but this was Ronan’s dream, a mix of his subconscious and conscious and he dreamt up Adam exactly like he was, rough hands and thoughtful gaze. 

“Don’t tell anyone,” Ronan pulled back from the kiss and Adam took in his surroundings, it was a long dirt road, winding uphill. 

“How can I, this is all in your head. You know when you’re dreaming right?” Adam tried to follow the road up but fog and shadow stopped him. 

“Smartass.” 

Adam didn’t say anything because a scream cut him off. But it wasn’t a distressed scream, it sounded like a child screaming in joy. There was more yelling and it seemed to come from everywhere. 

_ “Boys, boys, boys,”  _ a woman said.  _ “Calm down.”  _

“I still can’t go back,” Ronan whispered, his lips suddenly against Adam’s right ear. “Not in my dreams.” 

“Not in this one,” Adam thought the twisting dark road of shadows looked like Ronan’s tattoo or at least the bits Adam has seen. 

“Not in any.” 

“You know why,” Adam said. “Or have you not gotten that far?” 

Ronan said nothing on that but snorted. “Funny how even in my dreams, I’m not in control.” 

“No one is ever really in control,” Adam knows this because he’s tried and tried to control everything but it doesn’t work. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and learn to put up with it, anticipate it. 

Ronan’s hand found his again, Adam isn’t sure when he let it go, but things feel weird in here. Ronan squeezed his hand. 

The dream is coming apart around them, like a melting painting, smears dripping down the sides. 

“Ronan,” Adam whispered. Ronan shushed him and smoothed some of his loose hair back. 

Adam woke up in his own bed, his heart racing. This doesn’t fit into how he saw Ronan’s stares. He did not sleep another wink all night. 

*

Ronan woke up with a stand of golden hair in his hand. 

*

The problem is this; Adam thought Ronan just wanted him, physically but it seemed Ronan wanted him, all of him, in a romantic relationship. 

He should have known, Ronan never does anything half-way. 

But it gives him another question,  _ why him? _

He could reason out physical attraction, a combination of their initial dislike and banter, and the fact that Ronan doesn’t know many people and he’s gay and between him and Gansey (who is a brother) and Adam who is not like a brother, it’s easy.

But for a romantic partner, he doesn’t make sense. Hate sex seemed like something Ronan would like, but the tender hand-kissing and touches didn’t fit that. 

Adam thought of the candle deep in his gut. He thought of the languid easiness of the dream. He thought of work in the morning. 

*

Maura Sargent served Adam tea. 

“I can leave,” Adam had said when he was told Blue was out. 

Calla touched him on the arm and gave Maura a look and here they were, mysterious tea on the table and two psychics looking at him. 

“You reak of the Snake,” Calla said. 

“I accidentally ended up in his dream,” Adam figured it was pointless to try and lie to them. “But that’s not why I’m here.” 

“And why are you here, Coca-Cola?” Calla asked. Maura said nothing but seemed to draw it out of him.

“Why—How to people chose who to date? Like what do they look for.” 

“Oh, honey,” Calla muttered. 

Maura held out a finger, silencing Calla. “You don’t choose, Adam, there is no shopping catalog people browse, it’s a feeling, you can choose to step away from someone and to commit to someone but you cannot pick who you start to fall for.”

“I didn’t say anything about love,” Adam felt oddly defensive and stripped bare in front of them.

Maura and Call exchanged a look and Maura said, “I didn’t either.” 

*

It’s a bad idea but he asked Gansey next. 

“What makes people fall in love?” Adam has no segway, Ronan is out and Gansey is working on his fake Henrietta and he just asked. 

“Adam,” Gansey touched his ear, seemingly unaware of doing it. “What’s this about?” 

“Just answer it.”

“Is this about Ronan?” Gansey asked, very, very tentatively. Adam, again, felt see-through. When people look at Adam Parrish what do they see? 

“Answer it Gansey.”

Gansey sat in thought for a moment before he said, “It’s like Henrietta, it’s finding someone who makes you feel like Henrietta feels to me, quiet, magical, comforting, fun.” 

Adam doesn’t say that he wants to leave Henrietta, it’s pointless, they both know. He thinks of being at the Barns, at trying to wake the cows, at framing Greenmantle, of the candle. 

“It is,” Adam said suddenly, for some reason unable to keep it in. Gansey gave him a questioning look. “About Ronan.” 

“Oh,” Gansey said. “Be careful, Adam.” 

“I am being careful,” Adam fiddled with a bit of cardboard. “I’m trying to figure all this out.” 

“I know that,” Gansey said, this touching his ear. “Do you like him?” 

Adam thought it over a million times. It was impossible not to. “I just don’t _ understand,”  _ Adam meant a lot of things.  _ Love, feelings, being known, and knowing.  _

“Adam,” Gansey almost sounded scolding. “What do you want?” 

It was an easy question, during late shifts and too short days and repeated his mantra,  _ to leave, to be something. _

“I want to understand.” 

“Yourself or Ronan?” Gansey didn’t look or sound like a king then, he was just Gansey, a friend who worries and can’t sleep, who touches his ear and feels phantom hornets.

Adam is thankful for him. “Both.” 

*

What Adam Parrish sees when he looks at Ronan Lynch: 

-an asshole, but one who can match Adam toe to toe when he gets snarky 

-a good sense of humor 

-a dreamer who dreamt up a brother

-a middle brother, who grew up in a loving family and loves and protects his younger brother and dislikes his elder brother (even though Adam knows true distaste and the brothers deep down love eachother)

-someone who does everything all the way 

-a baby bird he raised 

-a farmer at heart

-raising sleeping cows 

-framing 

-his heart bleeding out on his sleeve 

-an illusion of simplicity 

-him punching Robert Parrish 

*

Adam knows the little candle in him is the spark but he has to decide what to do with the flame, nurse it, of snuff it. 

He knows Ronan isn’t the objective best person to start a relationship with but neither is he, they both have tempers and problems and conflicting futures. 

He knows hand-cream and easy and languid and quiet and fun. He knows a dreamt up golden brother and Ronan calling him a genius casually. He thought of Ronan dreaming up his hands the same cracked, rough hands he has. 

He thought and thought until he didn’t want to think anymore. He wanted to act. It broke down to this, he felt right with Ronan, like he didn’t have to pretend and they just clicked, shockingly, when they hung out together. He didn’t know what Ronan saw when he looked at him but it was something he wanted and Adam could deal with that.

He found Ronan at the Barns, a place full of so much good and his father’s murder. Adam knocked on the door and Ronan, to his surprise opened it. 

“What do you want?” 

Adam thought of all the good and bad in both of them. He thought of Maura saying there is no catalog people browse. He considered Ronan feeling the same way, that spark that just happens. He thought of Ronan nursing it into a blazing fire. 

Adam stopped thinking. 

“I need to tell you something,” Adam stepped inside. “I know you dreamt Cabeswater. I know because I was in your dream last night.” 

He thought for a second that Ronan was going to throw a fist, Ronan had never laid a hand on him to purposefully hurt him, not really, playful shoves doesn’t count. But Adam wasn’t Declan, Adam was an abused kid who didn’t really know love but wanted to find out. 

Ronan swallowed, he crossed his arms, uncrossed them to chew at his leather bracelets. “I had a long dream,” Ronan said, evasive and heart bleeding out. Adam knows he is keeping his anger in check because he doesn’t want to scare Adam. 

“Don’t play dumb,” Adam said. 

Ronan huffed. “Then get on with it, I have things to do.” 

“Get on with what?” Adam said even though he knew. 

“Have your laughs,” Ronan’s voice was ice cold and knife sharp. “Gansey probably told you to let me down easy.” 

“I did talk to him about this,” Adam crossed his arms, unsure of what to do with them. “In a weird way. He told me to be careful.”

“It’s none of his business,” Ronan looked two seconds from storming off in a fury but Adam saw a sliver of hope in his expression. 

“He also told asked me if I liked you,” Adam uncrossed his arms. 

“And what did you say?” Ronan asked. 

“I dodged the question because that’s between you and me,” Adam knew he was being a bit cruel talking around it like this but he did promise himself to not make the first move and there was a small part of him that feared this was all a huge misunderstanding, that’s he’s tricked himself into all this, that Ronan’s playing with. 

“And?”

Adam remembered Ronan’s lips against his hand. “I do. Like you, not to sound like a kindergartener. It took me a bit to realize and understand it,” Adam stumbled a bit there,  _ I didn’t grow up surrounded by love.  _ He meant to say that but they were both men (boys really) of action and he broke his promise and kissed Ronan. 

He didn’t think, he felt. He felt like a boat sinking into the harbor, always on the course but finally getting there, he felt peaceful and like he was in a speeding car, it was a bit of a contradiction but Adam was a man (boy) of many contradictions. 

“Stop,” Ronan murmured against his lips. “Overthinking.” 

Languid and easy, Adam kissed him quite. “I’m not.” Adam really wasn’t. 

Ronan laughed against his lips and kissed him some more. When he pulled back, that look in his eyes was from the dream. He then took Adam’s hand and kissed the inside wrist. It made the candle inside him burn brighter. 

Unable to help himself, Adam kissed Ronan again, it wasn’t an explosion, not fireworks or a song but it made Adam feel a fragile high, like he could do anything, like everywhere Ronan touched turned to gold.

Mentally, he told fate that this one was his, that this was him committing to the spark, he felt Cabeswater silently back him. 

What does Ronan Lynch see when he looks at Adam Parrish? Maybe he sees a magician, maybe he sees all the contradictions and just lets them balance out without trying to resolve them. Maybe he just sees Adam for who he is. For once Adam doesn’t care, he just enjoys the look Ronan gives him when he pulls back to press their foreheads together. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
